The rate of increase in the number of people filing for divorce in
our courts of law these days is becoming so alarming. Even many couples
who are not considering divorce are not doing so, not because they are
enjoying their marriage but simply because they have resigned themselves
to fate since they cannot face the stigma of been tagged a “divorcee.”
So, they rather stay in and suffer in silence.
There are several reasons people give for seeking divorce, but my
experience in marriage counselling has made me realize that the bedrock
of every of those reasons is poor sex. Hardly will you see a man or a
woman in court on the basis of lack of sexual satisfaction, especially
in our side of the world, but underneath whatever reason they give is
the monster of sexual dissatisfaction.
The truth is, no matter what the problem is in marriage, as long as
the couple still enjoy good sex with one another, it can easily be
over-looked. The two can easily find a way around it. But the moment
they no longer enjoy good sex with each other, issues that were never
considered to be problematic suddenly become matters that can no longer
be ignored. The quality of sex and what it represents plays a major
role in the quality of every marriage: poor sex will always result in a
weak marriage and vice versa. So, if you are not enjoying a great sex
life with your spouse, it is important you both find out what is wrong
and make changes before it costs you more than you bargain for.
However, it must be stressed that great a sex life between a couple
does not come just because the two love themselves. As nothing good
comes easily, there are prices to pay by both parties if they will enjoy
great sex life with one another. They must both recognize and
appreciate the importance of great sex life to their union and achieving
it must become their mutual goal.
The question you may want to ask is this: if sex is God’s gift to
married couple and they are both created as sexual beings, why should
there be any problem in expressing themselves to one another in sexual
intercourse? Why should enjoying a great sex life with each other be an
issue since they both have the urge for it?
Enjoying great sex with your spouse is a function of many things, but
a major one is the difference in the body make up of man and woman. A
couple that will enjoy a great sex life must recognise the difference in
the body mechanism of man and woman and seek how to use it to their
advantage. This difference is what is responsible for the variance in
the way men and women view and respond to sex. A good understanding of
this will go a long way in ensuring that sex becomes something that you
and your spouse look forward to.
Sex, for a man, is an “any day” and “any time” thing. He needs no
special preparation for him to have good sexual intercourse with his
wife. Mere seeing a part of her body can set him aflame and as far as
he is concerned, he sees no reason why she should not be ready to
receive him any time he signifies his intention to have sex. A woman on
the other hand, views sex in a different way. For her, good sex requires
preparation. A fire brigade approach does not work. While her man needs
no special effort to be aroused sexually, she needs him to help her
become sexually aroused by his sweet words and gentle touch. This is
because a woman’s response to sex is slow and gradual but that of a man
is quick and spontaneous.
Somebody once said that there are only two
things on the mind of a man when he is coming back home after work:
good food and good sex. But this is not so with a woman. Many times, sex
is the last thing on her mind due to the fact that she is a
multi-faceted being, and that is why her husband must take time to
prepare her ahead for a good show. A man once said that for him to get
the sexual response he desires from his wife at bedtime, he begins to
prepare her right in the morning.
King Solomon in his wisdom describes a woman as a well and a man as a
fountain (Proverbs 5:15-18). Water is not found on the surface of a
well like it is with a fountain. Anyone who will get water from a well
must be ready to reach deep down into it and draw it out. Likewise is it
with a woman, her man must be patient enough to reach down into her,
draw out her affection and bring her to a place of sexual excitement and
fulfilment. This takes time. It takes a lot of petting. It takes
planting yourself into her heart hours before show time. And at show
time, it takes a lot of kissing and fondling. A man should never be in a
hurry to draw from his wife, for the “well is deep.” Anything short of
this, she sees herself as being used.
The beauty of sex is lost when the fulfilment is not mutual. I
remember a couple I had to counsel with on this issue. The woman had
developed apathy for sex because according to her, all he does is to use
her to satisfy his sexual desire, after which he rolls off to the other
side of the bed, taking a deep sleep while she is left to cry herself
to sleep, feeling dejected and unfulfilled.
So, the goal of every man should be to make sex something his wife
will look forward to and this will only be made possible when he makes
taking her to the climax - reaching orgasm - his focus at every show
time. On the other hand, the woman must make herself attractive to her
husband and make him feel welcome at all times.
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