This summer at a Blue Jays game, I drank a shitton of beer. So did my buddies, and everyone else at the Rogers Centre.
After about six tall cans, I decided it was time to break the seal. I stood in line, making mumbled small talk with other drunk dudes as I pinched my pee-hole between my thighs. When I was five people from pure penile bliss, I saw that a urinal meant for young children was available—a light shone upon its glistening porcelain.
Problem was, to use it, I would have to perch myself on top of a concrete platform and pee with my legs tensed at a 90-degree angle. Regardless, I figured it was better than pissing myself, so I went for it.
Now, was this act of urinal thievery ethical? Probably not. A child could have needed to use that urinal. But my way of thinking at the time was, they weren’t drunk. Therefore, they couldn’t be experiencing the same agony I was.
To ensure you or I aren’t faced with another similar conflict, I've produced a guide to urinal etiquette; of which I hope public washroom staff will post on their filthy tiled walls. It’s worth it. Trust me.
DO’S
Opt for urinals on either end: Most public bathrooms offer a row of at least five urinals. If all are completely unoccupied, you’ve hit the motherload and have free reign. Choose whichever urinal you want—though those on opposite ends tend to offer the most privacy in case you have trouble peeing. Which can be the result of the following:
--Drinking too much can overstretch your bladder. Resulting in stalled urine.
--Drinking too much alcohol can swell your prostate, which also stalls urine.
--The most common, however, is shy bladder syndrome. Which, when peeing in a trough shoulder-to-shoulder with other men, can easily result in nervousness. (About
17 million Americans will experience some form of shy bladder during their lives. Which makes up about 7% of the population.)