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Thursday 7 November 2013

The women who have only ever had sex with their husbands (and why they say they're happier than any of their more experienced friends)

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When newlyweds Julia and Craig Hubbard left their wedding reception early to head off on honeymoon, their 200 guests exchanged knowing smiles.
After all, it was understandable the couple were eager to get to the hotel room they had booked before their flight to Jamaica, given that they were yet to consummate their relationship.
Aged 24, Julia was a virgin on their wedding night and, 13 years later, her husband remains the only man she has ever made love to.

Strong beliefs: Julia saved herself for Mr Right - her husband, Craig Hubbard
Strong beliefs: Julia saved herself for Mr Right - her husband, Craig Hubbard

'I was saving myself for Mr Right,' says Julia, now 37. 'It might not be a fashionable thing to admit to but, for me, sex is something special that I didn't want to share with just anyone. I think our marriage is much happier and stronger for the waiting. When you save yourself for someone, you want to enjoy that relationship.
'The fact that Craig was willing to wait until after we were married means I know I'm with someone who loves and respects me - and we trust one another totally.'
As recently as half a century ago, it was, of course, the accepted norm for a woman to go through life with just one sexual partner.
However, the latest statistics from an NHS sexual health survey show that wives like Julia are now a rarity, with women, on average, having four lovers during a lifetime. Of the 24 per cent who have only ever slept with their husbands, most are of pensionable age.
Meanwhile, a poll for dating website SeekingArrangement.com revealed that ten is now widely regarded as the ideal number of sexual partners for both men and women. More than that and you could be viewed as promiscuous. Fewer and you may be considered inexperienced.
Newlyweds: Julia and Craig Hubbard pictured at their wedding, not long before they consummated their marriage
Newlyweds: Julia and Craig Hubbard pictured at their wedding, not long before they consummated their marriage

But could the key to marital bliss be found in giving yourself wholly and completely to one person for your entire adult life?
Julia certainly thinks so. 'Lots of my married friends are in the process of splitting up and, of those still together, we are definitely among the happiest,' she says. 'I like to think that, in part at least, it's because of my decision just to have sex with one man. I'm not wistful for any past loves, nor do I consider the grass might be greener with someone else.'
The couple were working together at a leisure centre in Potters Bar, Hertfordshire, when they started dating back in 1998. Craig, now 42, was aware from the outset of Julia's intention to remain a virgin until she was married.
'My parents raised me to believe that it was morally right to wait until I was married before having sex,' she says. 'One of my friends became pregnant during a brief fling and ended up having an abortion, which was devastating for her. That compounded my belief that the only place I would feel confident having sex was within marriage.'
Met at school: Abi and Chris Smith have been faithful to each other ever since they started dating aged 17
Met at school: Abi and Chris Smith have been faithful to each other ever since they started dating aged 17
Six weeks into their relationship, Craig proposed and they bought a flat together. However, this was not sufficient commitment for Julia and, although they even shared a bed, she made it clear that while they could kiss and cuddle, he would have to wait until their wedding day, a year later, to go any further.
'I wanted to be certain that Craig loved me and respected my views enough to wait,' she says.
Meanwhile Craig, who'd had previous sexual partners himself, says: 'Julia was firm about her decision, and I respected her for that. She's an attractive woman so it wasn't always easy, but it was a good test of my feelings for her.'
While Julia insists friends have been supportive of her outlook, it would be easy to mock her for being a prude. But she insists her lack of previous experience hasn't been detrimental to their sex life. Quite the opposite.
According to figures from the Kinsey Sex Institute, the average couple in their second decade of marriage makes love little more than once a week, but the Hubbards, who now own a gym in Plymouth, insist they enjoy a 'very regular' sex life.
For Craig, knowing he is his wife's only sexual partner means he feels extra responsibility to ensure they have a fulfilling love life.
'My wife is stunning and a lot of men are attracted to her,' says Craig. 'But I know I am, and will always be, the only man for her. So what we have is pretty special.'
However, in an age when 40 per cent of British women under the age of 30 admit to having had a one-night stand while on holiday, committing to one partner for life seems almost archaic.
This is despite the fact that since the 1950s - when it was the norm to have one sexual partner for life - divorce rates have rocketed. Today, 42 per cent of marriages in England and Wales end in divorce.
Paula Hall, a psychotherapist with Relate, says: 'People think “I haven't had lots of partners that means I'm not sexually liberated.”
'But that's not how it works. It's crazy to suggest that, because you've had more partners, you know more about sex - it's quality, not quantity, that counts.
'In fact, those in long-term relationships are likely to have been more experimental because that's what can keep a sex life alive.'
Unlike Julia, Abi Smith, 31, didn't set out to have one partner for life. But 14 years after getting together with her first boyfriend, Chris, she couldn't be happier that he has been her only lover. The couple, who met at school, first slept with each other aged 17.
'I knew I loved him early on but I didn't think “Chris is the only guy I will ever sleep with, we will marry and spend the rest of our lives together”, that's just how it turned out,' says Abi, who married Chris, a 32-year-old engineer, six years ago. The couple now live in West Sussex with their two children, Lily, three, and Henry, nine months.
Deep bonds: Abi and Chris pictured on their wedding day six years ago
Deep bonds: Abi and Chris pictured on their wedding day six years ago

But among Abi and Chris's friends, they are the only young couple who were both virgins when they started dating, aged 16. They have remained faithful to one another ever since.
Significantly, the Smiths are convinced they are also the most content among their circle. Other friends have strings of failed relationships behind them and, while they might have enjoyed fleeting excitement, Abi says they now tell her they envy her 'nice, normal life'.
'I'm not suggesting our sex life is amazing right now - with two young children it's not even regular - but our relationship goes deeper than that because we've grown up together,' says Abi.
'I think it's a cop-out when people say they're bored. Why would anyone want to jeopardise something good for half an  hour's excitement?'
She adds: 'Chris and I have had conversations after a couple of glasses of wine, pondering whether we might have missed out having never having slept with anyone else.'
Far from Abi fantasising about sex with other men, she says the thought horrifies her. 'Like someone who has never tried chocolate having no craving to taste it, I've got no desire for any other man than Chris,' she says.
Llife-long love: Angie and Edson Chase will have been married for 46 years on November 11th
Llife-long love: Angie and Edson Chase will have been married for 46 years on November 11th
For his part, Chris believes the fact they were both virgins when they met, and are still together 16 years later, means the bond between them is extra strong.
While Julia and Craig, and Abi and Chris, are still in the early stages of marriage, how does it feel when you've been together for more than four decades? When Angie Chace married her husband Edson in 1967 - three weeks after her 18th birthday - it was the norm for couples to be virgins on their wedding day.
'It never occurred to us that we might be missing out by not having other partners,' she says.
Angie, 64, and Edson, 71, from Rowlands Castle, Hampshire, met at work - he was an accountant and she an accounts supervisor. Like Angie, Edson, then 26, was a virgin.
'It helped that it was the first time for both of us so I wasn't thinking “He knows what he's doing and I don't”,' recalls Angie. 'It was quite painful that first time but, like good wine, our sex life improved with age.'
Angie, who doesn't have children, says that one reason neither she nor Edson has been tempted to stray is that they have maintained a regular sex life.
'We've had sex at least once a week right the way through our married life - the only time we didn't was when I had a hysterectomy, aged 49, because it was too uncomfortable for about six weeks afterwards,' she says.
'I don't understand couples who let the sex disappear from their relationships - we both think it's very important.'
But after almost half a century with the same man, hasn't she ever felt that she might be missing out?
'My hairdresser teased me when he learnt I'd never been with any other men. He said “How do you know he's any good?”,' recalls Angie. 'I said “Of course he is, otherwise I wouldn't still be with him!”'
Edson, too, feels fortunate. 'I've honestly never wondered how it would be with someone else,' he says. 'My relationship with Angie has been so satisfying that it hasn't occurred to me that I might enjoy being with someone else.'
Relate's Paula Hall agrees.  'People's lives are rarely richer for having had lots of sexual partners,' she says. 'Most people who do would tell someone in a monogamous relationship “I wouldn't waste your time, if you're happy and have found someone it works with”.'
Regular sex life: Both Angie and Edson were virgins when they got married, but neither is tempted to stray because they keep their passion alive
Regular sex life: Both Angie and Edson were virgins when they got married, but neither is tempted to stray because they keep their passion alive

For some women, like Maggie Cook, a teacher from Biggin Hill, Bromley, there is curiosity about what it would have been like to experience a lover other than her husband. But she still believes she is more fulfilled for not having jeopardised a good relationship for fleeting sexual excitement.
Maggie, 57, was almost 17 when she started dating her husband Ian, 59, an engineer, 40 years ago after meeting in a local pub. While he'd slept with one woman during a holiday fling, she was a virgin.
The couple have now been married for 34 years, and have two children, Jocelyn, 31, and Matthew 22.
'I suppose there have been times when I've wondered how it would be with someone else, I'm sure that's only natural, but I would never have betrayed my husband,' she insists.
However, after more than 13 years of marriage, Julia and Craig Hubbard are still enjoying something of a honeymoon period.
'I've heard people joke about not having sex once they're married but I'm the opposite,' says Julia. 'I've been making up for lost time all these years.'
Perhaps more of us should be adopting relationship lessons from decades long past.

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