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Charlotte Malley, 22, a hairdresser from Erdington, Birmingham, says she started feeling confused over which sex she was attracted to at the age of 13, but was "terrified" at the idea of being a lesbian, and feared her parents would disown her.
In a bid to repress her sexuality, she turned to self-harm and was diagnosed with depression, but after losing her virginity to a man at the age of 16 and finding it "not too awful" she decided to try to make herself straight by sleeping around.
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Charlotte revealed she met men online and in bars, using fake ID, and would "hook up" with strangers every few days - making sure she left first thing in the morning as she felt so uncomfortable.
Then, at 19, Charlotte visited her first gay bar and started sleeping with women, before slowly coming out to her friends - and eventually her parents.
"I am gay. After seven years in denial, I can say those words," Charlotte said.
"As a teenager I slept with men because I didn’t want to be a lesbian. The growing sense that gay was exactly and all I was, terrified me.
She added: "I didn’t know any gay people. I was scared my parents would disown me and my friends would desert me."
Charlotte recalled how she felt at 13: "As a child I’d had long hair but I cut it short and my mum was convinced I wanted to be a boy.
"Inside I was screaming: "I don’t want to be a boy!" but I couldn’t find the words.
"At 14, a game of spin-the-bottle led to my first kiss with a girl but I was so tortured by the fear of admitting I wanted to kiss her again, I started self harming.
Charlotte with her friend Jordan before coming out. "As a teenager I slept with men because I didn’t want to be a lesbian. The growing sense that gay was exactly and all I was, terrified me, " she says
In a bid to repress her sexuality Charlotte (pictured recently) turned to self-harm and was diagnosed with depression. At 16 years old she decided to try to make herself straight by sleeping with men
"Mum saw the cuts and took me to the doctor. As my parents had recently divorced, she thought I was struggling to accept they had broken up. The GP diagnosed depression and organised counselling."
For six months, Charlotte"s mother, Mandy, 47, sat in on her counselling sessions and Charlotte used her parents divorced as an excuse for how she was feeling.
"When I finally had a therapy session on my own, the counsellor gently suggested there was more going on. She said: "You’re literally fighting yourself", Charlotte recalls.
"Her words stayed with me but it took seven years to really hear what she said.
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For Charlotte (pictures as teenager) the confusion began at 13. She says: "As a child my mum was convinced I wanted to be a boy. Inside I was screaming: "I don’t want to be a boy!" but I couldn’t find the words"
Charlotte and her friend Nicholas at Birmingham Pride in 2015. Charlotte repressing her sexuality growing up: "I didn’t know any gay people. I was scared my parents would disown me and my friends would desert me"
"I lost my virginity when I was 16 - a one-night stand with an 18-year-old. I’d watched porn and had a vague idea of what to do.
"I felt nothing for him but having sex with a man didn’t feel too awful so I figured if I kept trying, I could get used to it."
Charlotte met guys on Twitter, Plenty Of Fish and Tinder, using used fake ID to get into nightclubs where she’d hook up with strangers every few days.
"I lost count when I reached 80 men," she said.
"As soon as it was over, I’d leave. Men found this behaviour strange. They wanted to cuddle while I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Some tried to meet for a second date but I always made excuses."
Remembering one of her many trysts with men, she recalled: "I’d just had drunken sex and wondered if I could remember his name but it didn’t even matter.
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"I lost my virginity when I was 16 - a one-night stand with an 18-year-old. I felt nothing but having sex with a man didn’t feel too awful so I figured if I kept trying, I could get used to it," says Charlotte (pictured as teenager)
Remembering one of her many trysts with men, Charlotte recalls: "I’d just had drunken sex and wondered if I could remember his name but it didn’t even matter. He gently stroked my hair and initiated pillow talk, but his touch made my skin prickle. Grabbing my underwear, I dressed and fled. My rule was: no sleepovers"
Charlotte, pictured with friends before coming out, met guys on Twitter, Plenty Of Fish and Tinder, using fake ID to get into nightclubs where she’d hook up with strangers every few days
"He gently stroked my hair and initiated pillow talk, but his touch made my skin prickle. Grabbing my underwear, I dressed and fled. My rule was: no sleepovers.
"Back home, I showered away the dirty feeling I was always left with after having sex with a man.
"Sitting on my bed I took a razor to my wrists, slashing fresh cuts across old scars. As blood seeped out, I felt released from the torture of lying to myself."
Charlotte believes that, like self-harming, sleeping with men was another form of punishment.
"Like cutting my wrists, it was a form of self-harm. I was punishing myself for being gay when I didn’t want to be. I hated myself every time, but I hated myself for being gay anyway, so I was damned either way."
Friends raised concerns that Charlotte was putting myself in dangerous situations, but she always let someone know where she was and ensured she was protected from pregnancy and STIs.
"I was 19 the first time I secretly visited a gay bar. A woman chatted me up and it felt good and normal. But I slept with at least another 20 guys while continuing to live in denial," she says.
"I gradually knew I couldn’t keep living a lie. The first step was to say it aloud. When I came out to my friends, they said: "Charl, we knew ages ago." They didn’t judge me, they didn’t ditch me.
"I finally like saying "I am gay" - those three little words used to terrify me, now they make me happy," she says
Charlotte has covered my self-harm scars with a tattoo that reads "Don’t let your past determine your future"
"I started sleeping with women. Some asked if I’d slept with men before and I’d say I’d slept with two or three. I didn’t want them to be put off.
"I have only ever fallen in love with one woman and I told her the truth. She said she completely understood why I did what I did."
Eventually Charlotte came out to her parents too. "My dad suggested I might be bisexual, but I had slept with enough men to know that wasn’t the case. I’m not bi. I’m not curious. I’m 100 per cent gay.
"My mum thought it might be a phase, but both my parents said as long as I was happy, they were happy. It turned out the only person who had a problem with my sexuality was me.
"I’ve covered my self-harm scars with a tattoo that reads: "Don’t let your past determine your future."
"I don’t regret what I did but the thought of having sex with a man now makes me feel physically sick. I finally like saying "I am gay" - those three little words used to terrify me, now they make me happy."
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